So, the other day in Sociology class, talking about religions, we got on the topic of Scientology. And that was when I decided to become a scientologist.
Now, for those of you unfamiliar with this most unique and wonderful of religions, I shall tell you a thing or several about it. It started not too long ago, by some very bad science fiction author by the name of L. Ron Hubbard, who had a bet with some friend author of his as to which one of them could start a religion that would keep going. Of course, L. Ron won. And how could he not, considering the religion he came up with?
Its story starts some 75 million years ago, when a trememdous struggle took place among the 26 stars making up our local Galactic Federation. Faced with enormous overpopulation averaging 175 billion people per planet, federation leader Xenu had members of his Galactic Patrol (who dressed in white uniforms with silver boots) round up the surplus population. These people were then killed by an injection of glycol into the spinal cord; their bodies were frozen and loaded onto a huge spaceship that looked exactly like earthly DC-8s; and they were transported to Teegeeack - now known as Earth. The bodies were piled on terrestrial mountaintops, inside of which were 17 strategically placed hydrogen bombs of enourmous power. After the blast, the thetans (souls of the dead) were electronically entrapped, gathered into clusters, and implanted with misguided ideas, morals, and feelings. Then they were transported across the Earth's surface by glaciers, and somehow got back into living human bodies. It is these thetans whose millions of years old thoughs and feelings impinge on our bodies that are responsible for most of the misery afflicting human life today.
And here is where the wonderful church of scientology comes in. For, the only way to get rid of the thetans is to clutch the E-Meter (a plastic, toy like machine with one of those little electronic meters on it. When you grip it, the little needle goes over to the right, and the harder you grip the further over it goes. Once you relax, it goes back to the left. Of course, scientolgy explains this as your body being clensed of impurities) while paying ridiculous sums of money in order to be asked dozens of questions about personal experiences, dating from now to tens of millions years before that (these would be the resident thetan's experiences). Anyways, eventually you can cleanse yourself of the evil thetan and become a pure thetan who can conrol life, time, space, and whatever else you want. Of course, to get there, you have to pay at least $250,000, and that is to achieve the lowest level.
(all this information, in pretty much the same words, can be found in an article by Robert Sheaffer, "Scientology vs. the Internet - Psychic Vibrations")
Anyways, is that not the most awsome religion? If it weren't for its mind boggling senselessness and all the money I'd have to spend, I'd totally be in. Sigh.

Room mate - 10/27/2005
Worst ever - 07/21/2005
Goth - 05/29/2005
Bad Baby - 05/25/2005
- - 02/08/2005

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